We offer our guidance, advice and rash, hastily reached conclusions about a bunch of festivals.

We’ve been to them all, we’ve camped, yurted, caravanned, igloo’ed and teepee’ed our way around the world, tasting every festival we could, swilling them around our metaphorical mouth to fully appreciate all their flavours and scents, before spitting them out so we can tell you about it. Here then, are 10 of the worlds most amazing festivals:

Avant Garden

The fourth annual Avant Garden festival brings together electronica and jazz in a thrilling synthesis of new and challenging sounds. Expect to hear ouds, gourds, noodling, extended soloing, VCOs and VCFs, scat singing, and Moby.

Biblefest

One of the best Christian Dub Step Festivals around, this travelling roadshow of hardcore episcopalian beats always comes highly recommended. This year, the line-up features live sets from The God Squad Mod, top Christian nu-folktronica act Mysterious Ways and a vinyl-only DJ set from Aled Jones.

A festival band smash it to the max, extreme.

Biffo Festival

Biffo is the festival for people who hate festivals. Set in expansive surroundings, each tent is pitched inside a 5 star hotel room with maid service, jacuzzi and features absolutely no music or DJs whatsoever.

Camp Mattress

Deep in the heart of the Broccoli Forestau area of France lies a swamp, and at the heart of that swamp, there’s an island covered in flies: this my friends, is Camp Mattress. If you want the genuine experience of a 1950s boarding school, with added inflammation, then climb onboard the mattress. Inoculations provided onsite.

Field

A stellar line-up featuring some of the biggest names in House, Techno and Drum and Bass are literally lined up to play at this year’s Field festival, taking place in an as yet unknown field. The unique selling point of the Field events is that all the acts play simultaneously, which is every bit as unpleasant and futile as it sounds.

It’s quite a walk from the car park to the Fancy-Camping at the famous Yurtfest.

Gingham and Wicker Festival

Some gentle folk singers, acoustic duos, healing circles, Chardonnay, face-glitter, that sort of thing.

Glasto

Not sure about this one, it might be in Croatia?

Moistbox

Burin Van Armand, Almond Van Helsig, Itchwell, DJ Oliver Spanners, HiGH and DJ Mo’ Herbal are booked to appear in a windy sports ground a few miles outside of Reading. There will be synchronised fireworks, pyrotechnics, explosions, earthquakes, natural disasters and such.

Old Skool City: Reunion IV – the Return

Finally, the oldest skoolest old skool night makes a welcome return to Peckham’s premier multi-function media hub ‘Sinderella’s’. Expect UK Garage, rewinds, reloads, bling, ting, and appearances from the UKs finest old skool MC’s and DJs including DJ Nut Nut, Easy Pea, MC DynaMightyMouseTrap, MC Shouting, and loads more, honestly, there’s bare DJs playing fam, each one must be on for like 10 minutes.

Yolo

Hip Hop, skateboarding, graffiti, trainers, roller skates, chewing gum, street lights – it’s the leading urban and street culture festival Yolo, featuring the Scratch Monkey DJs, MC Bargain, an old rapper who your Dad’s heard of, too much turntablism, itching.