The Prinks office was lucky enough this week to have an unscheduled visit from Tony Balearic, the self-styled ‘legendary Ibiza trail-blazer’. Never one to keep his opinions to himself, the sad old bigot seemed intent on giving us a list of things that were definitely better in 1989 than any time since. His measured opinion on DJing, music and club culture is that essentially, everything since 1989 is “shit-o-la”. Following a protracted and somewhat rambling interview, during which he drank several cans of lager, fell asleep at one point, only to wake up shouting something about prison ships, one of our interns pieced together the following fluff piece from the few parts that were vaguely usable.
Prinks: Well thanks for joining us today Tony…
Tony: [interrupting] Call me Tony love, no formalities here
Prinks: Right, thanks. OK so Tony, you were saying something about a track you heard at the weekend?
Tony: Right. Was I? OK, well it was all shit. Pretty much everything I’ve heard since 1989 on the Island has been awful.
[Tony Balearic never actually mentions Ibiza by name, but instead, refers to it only as ‘the Island’ or the ‘White Isle’. And he also refers to it as a she, rather than an it.] He continued:
When we first invented Techno all those years ago, little did we know that decades later the music would have been killed by commerciality and greed, man. And all the things that make Ibiza great, crystals and dream catchers, we invented all that too, but do we get the credit?
Prinks: Invented Techno…?
Tony: Yeah, and now look at it. Shit-o-la. Tell you what else right, that MP3s Bluetooth Live Digital crap, that’s all shit-tas-tic too. They way they dance now? Shit-o-la. Grime and Trap? Shit and Shit I call it.
This went on for several minutes, with Tony patiently listing all the people he’s worked with who were also, perhaps unsurprisingly, shit-o-la. The life of a bitter ex DJ is no doubt a challenge. Several times during the interview Tony attempted to ask our intern out and when turned down, tried to borrow money from her instead. When asked about his current career, Tony was “pretty much, 99% assured” that he’ll be making an appearance on Spanish satellite TV channel Hola!LIVE, on their new reality show Abuela Lujuriosa (Lusty Grandma).
Other things that, according to Tony, were apparently better in 1989 include the dancing, the atmosphere, the ‘vibes, man’, the clothes, all the music, all the people, the drugs, the drinks, the food, the football, the clothes, Britain, respect for your elders and betters, manners, Jesus he just wouldn’t stop once the floodgates were opened. We finally got him into a cab by telling him that BBC 6Music wanted to talk to him about Grime4Corbyn. “Grime4Corbyn?” he quipped, “shit 4 breakfast more like”, before racially abusing his cab driver. We left as the Police arrived, and the last sight of Tony was his angry red face peering out of the back of the police car, pointing at Faaiso the Somali cab driver and calling him “Liberal elite”.