We look into the side effects of dance music’s sugariest genre.

Tropical House – at first we thought it was a joke, then the likes of Starix, Kygo, Autograf et al quietly took over the world. Now their pastel-shaded euro-dance sound, played on plasticky pianos, pallid pan pipes and midi acoustic guitars is ubiquitous on day time radio. Quite how a genre that is essentially a 90s New Age Crystal Emporium in musical form came to be so successful is a genuine modern mystery.

Tropical House arrived just in time: we hadn’t had a new version of ‘Show Me Love’ or ‘You’ve Got The Love’ for at least two weeks. Luckily for us, Tropical House is based around endless remixes and covers of pop songs, old and new. It’s characterised by major chords, sickly-sweet melodies and a saccharine, sanitised production. We wondered was this much audio-sugar was doing to our bodies, so we asked a Doctor. This is what they told us:

The first 10 minutes:
Your body has had to absorb 100% of your recommended daily intake of New Age synth pre-sets. You are likely to undergo a number of emotional reactions, ranging from mild distaste to anger. You don’t immediately vomit from the overwhelming sweetness because the crisp, contemporary production temporarily masks the flavour.

20 minutes:
Your blood sugar spikes, causing an insulin rush. Your liver responds to this by turning the sugar into fat. You may develop a mild headache and an urge to listen to something like Underground Resistance or Andy C.

40 minutes:
Tropical House absorption is complete. Your pupils dilate, your blood pressure rises, and as a response your liver dumps more sugar into your bloodstream. The ineptly pitch-shifted vocals of various Gouldings and Sheerans are likely to block the pleasure receptors in your brain, preventing happiness.

50 minutes:
The body has absorbed all the plucked acoustic guitar pre-sets it can, causing a dilation of pupils and an increase in blood pressure.

60 minutes:
An hour after listening to Tropical House, the inevitable crash will begin, causing irritability, drowsiness and possible allergic reactions to steel drums, marimba and chimes.

Although we should all be aware of the health risks associated with Tropical House, a recent poll revealed that most people are blissfully unaware. So take a tip from us, and when it comes to house of the Tropical variety, practice caution and remember to clean your teeth after listening. Keep safe out there.