Mortgage underwriter and father of three Kevin Smith has reported to his friends, affectionately known as ‘the lads’, that he is “totally gutted” that due to work commitments he is unable to attend Gary’s stag weekend in Ibiza. Despite previously appearing enthusiastic about the event, particularly down the pub halfway through his second pint, Kevin has had to pull out at the last minute due to several mortgages suddenly needing to be underwritten on the same weekend as the stag.

Kevin posted several status updates on social media in which he wished his friends well on what they all agreed was going to be “a large one”, and expressed his view that “missing this one will totally cut me up as it’s clearly going to be bantastic”. He also posted several links to trance tracks that the lads had enjoyed together in the 90s, as well as memes such as “What happens in Ibiza, stays in Ibiza!”.

However, in private, Kevin later admitted to wife Karen that he was relieved not to be going, to the point where he had “been having nightmares about having to stay up drinking for the whole weekend, especially as Adam’s going, you know what he’s like.”

Indeed, Adam ‘The Event’ Evans was quick to pour scorn on Kevin’s excuses and reportedly told the lads down the pub that Kevin was a “complete and utter pussy” who “couldn’t handle his beer”. Evans reminded the lads of Gavin’s stag weekend, when Kevin participated in two rounds of tequila before “passing out and shitting himself before we’d even left Gatwick”.