What happened this week – too busy to keep up to date? Worry not, this happened this week:

 

1. Dutch DJ and problem drug-user Leonardiodio has launched his own exclusive range of crypto-currency, called Leo-Bitz which can be used in exchange for other Leo-Bitz inside his brand new Virtual Reality Platform Leo-Land. Leonardiodio announced the project at a press conference this week, saying :”The next step will be to infiltrate the banking system and global infrastructure and declare myself an independent techno-industrial megastate. I feel invincible”.

 

2. Pioneer are reportedly experimenting with fully sentient CDJs and mixers, that can choose music, programme and mix a set, feedback to promo campaigns, launch a range of artisan saki and so on. Although full details are yet to be announced, the company are believed to have developed a number of different operating modes for the latest CDJs:

  • Health & safety mode – to protect DJs from too much fire in their mixes and from dropping the bass too suddenly
  • Independent thought mode where the machine will over-ride the DJ’s song choice if it thinks they’re not playing hard enough,
  • The self-explanatory Depeche Mode
  • Smart mode – where it fails to connect to Bluetooth, plays the wrong tunes and constantly tries to get you to reinstall.

There are also rumours of an Omni-mode where the CDJ consumes or destroys all energy and matter in the universe and becomes an omnipotent life form, indistinguishable from a God, but this will probably only be available in version 2, and you’ll need a really strong broadband connection to download the required drivers.

 

3. Fancy becoming a Techno producer? Then head over to your local Nando’s, who’ve introduced the Chicken-Beatz, a flame-grilled 1/4 chicken breast with 2 regular sides and MIDI enabled crispy crumb coating, which you can use to create your own tasty electronic musical masterpieces in moments.

 

4. A DJ announced on Facebook this week that lots of his fans had been asking about a track he’d been playing lately and that it was actually the DJs own bootleg remix of the ‘Bullseye’ theme tune with an acapella appearance from recently deceased robot Stephen Hawking. ‘Jim & Steve on a Cosmic Motor Boat Vibe Journey’ is available for download via Soundcloud but it has since emerged that not one single person in the known universe actually asked for it.

 

5. New names have been added to the bill for this years Fyre Festival including DJ Metropolitan Elite, DJ Oblique 90s Cultural Reference, DJ Cheryl From Curb, Spleen McQueen and his Spunto Machine, Force 10 from Navarone, Bethlehem Emotion Squad (re-formed), Chase & Status probably, Don, DJ Hippocrates (CD only set), some old singer we’d not heard of, a bunch of cocaine-driven haircuts playing afro and disco re-edits in tents, and Dick Turpin selling warm cans of lager.

 

6. Spotify have announced that they have no interest in talking to anyone in the music industry anymore really, and can everyone just accept that this is how things are now, buy a fucken premium subscription and shut up.