Man blames “Upcoming Audit” as an excuse for bottling out of weekend of drink & drugs.

Mortgage underwriter and father of two Kevin Smith has reported to his friends, affectionately known as ‘the lads’, that he is “totally gutted” that work commitments are preventing him from attending Gary’s stag weekend in Ibiza.

Kevin posted several status updates on social media in which he wished his friends well on what they all agreed was going to be “a large one” and expressed the view that “missing this one will totally cut me up as it’s clearly going to be bant-astic”. He also posted several links to trance tracks that the lads had enjoyed together in the 90s as well as memes such as “What happens in Ibiza, stays in Ibiza!” and “Ibiza aint ready for the squad!”

“Gary’s a totally awesome ledge, so obviously I’m gutted not be going” commented Kevin, “When the lads get together, honestly it’s just legendary banter and top chat all the way, but we’ve been updating our email system at work and what with the audit coming up too, it’s just not possible for me to get away. I can’t tell you how disappointed I am.”

However, in private, Kevin later admitted to his wife Karen that he was relieved not to be going, to the point where “he’d been having nightmares about having to stay up drinking for the whole weekend, especially as Adam’s coming, you know what he’s like.”

Indeed, Adam ‘The Event’ Evans was quick to pour scorn on Kevin’s excuse, and reportedly told the lads down the pub that Kevin was an “utter pussy clart” who “couldn’t hold his bevies”, reminding them of Darren’s stag where Kevin “soiled himself before we’d even left Gatwick”.