No really, what weight vinyl are you playing this weekend, do tell.

The government DJ watchdog OFFSPIN has issued a new set of guidelines for vinyl DJs requiring them to talk about vinyl “all the time,  in an effort to get it out of their systems and finally shut up about it, once and for all.” This follows the failure of the government’s flagship policy, Anti Dull Behaviour Orders.

The particular areas that are to be regulated by OFFSPIN include:

Weight – DJs will be encouraged to inform their fans via social media whether they will be playing 140, 160 or 180 gramme vinyl.

Mixing – If the DJ is likely to be using a rotary mixer, it is recommended that they mention this in perhaps 50% of their conversations.

Warmth – DJs will be actively encouraged to suggest that their particular chosen mode of audio delivery possesses an abstract, indefinable concept called ‘warmth’ which makes it inherently superior to all other methods.

DJs will also be given other topics to use at family occasions, work, social events and so on,  including how heavy a packed record bag is, how owning something tangible is priceless, and how the smell of fresh vinyl is unbeatable.

DJ Regulatory body OFFSPIN have said that it is hoped that a continual onslaught of the same boring opinions,  using the same worn-out phrases and cliches from long-fought online arguments, will cause an unstoppable groundswell of opinion against the DJ old guard and eventually facilitate an uprising within the dance music community, leading to a revolution, the toppling of the DJ Empire, and the establishment of a new republic.

OFFSPIN Spokesman Michael Stockbroker-Pies admitted that it was an audacious and frankly bizarre plan, but that he was at “his wits end, hearing the same conversations on the smoking terrace, week in, week out.” Mr Stockbroker-Pies also added “If you like vinyl so much, why don’t you marry it?”