Prinks delves into the murky waters of DJ Biographies…
DJ biographies – a few hundred words to sum up a DJs career, their style, where they’ve played and how many lies they’re prepared to tell to get a gig. Full of hope and spelling mistakes, the DJ biography is generally a tepid pool of cliches and banalities, with an oily film of self-aggrandizement on top.
There are a few conventions to the DJ biography – first, you have to write in the third person. This is vital. It shows the reader that the DJ is so busy busting out sick beats in the studio and playing pool parties in Croatia that they don’t have the time to knock up 400 lying words about themselves.
Second, it is vital to establish exactly when the DJ’s ‘love affair with music’ began. Ideally, it should be ‘at an early age’ – do a bit of research and you’ll soon realise that this is pretty much a bonafide guarantee of DJ quality. Promotors these days generally base their DJ bookings on exactly how early the love affair began, the earlier the better. And it’s not enough to merely like music, it has to be a love affair.
Next, the DJ needs to be able to pinpoint a particular event in their early childhood – such as listening to their older brother’s record collection for example – which triggered said love affair. Also, really it would be preferable if the DJ ‘grew up in a house full of music’ where at least one parent was in a jazz band, and the other was a dancer. Completing grade 3 piano lessons at school is clearly the perfect training ground for working as a club DJ, so a good DJ biography will mention this too.
Don’t forget the Important Stuff:
It is essential that the DJ list all the venues they have DJed at because all promoters love to read long lists of clubs and nights that they’ve never heard of – hey, who doesn’t right? And finally it’s important to include a list of famous DJs with whom the DJ has ‘played with’ or, if you’re going to be classy, has ‘shared the stage with’. So if DJ Hamfist played a 45-minute warm-up in an empty tent at midday at Bonkersland while Villalobos played the main stage the next evening then the biography should definitely say that Hamfist has “shared the stage with some of the industry’s biggest names including Villalobos”.
Put all these elements together and you will have a classic DJ Biography. Or you could forget all these tips and instead go Full-Whitby: UK Hard House DJ Andy Whitby produced one of finest DJ biographies ever created. Here’s a brief sample, terrifying both in its misuse of the English language and its subject matter: “Imagine watching a porn star having hot, rough, yet passionate but dominating sex to a breathless, wailing lover which, in this case, comes in the shape of a mixing desk”. Yep, it’s going to take a lot of work to beat that. Wonder what age Andy’s love affair with his mixer began?