A ‘giant fucken chicken’ has been blamed for a spate of recent mysterious drug disappearances in a student house this week.

The avain mystery arose when Dean ‘For Fuck’s Sake, Dean’ Pont, a 2nd-year ‘Culture & Belief Systems’ student at Canvey Island Polytechnic was accused by his housemates of continually smoking all their drugs after everyone’s gone to bed. Dean’s housemates, Rozzer, Pieman and The Ox apparently arose sometime last Sunday morning to find that the eighth they’d scored just hours before had been completely caned.

Rozzer told our reporter: “This isn’t the first time he’s done it, it’s every night, he well takes the piss. I wouldn’t mind but try getting him to put his hand in his pocket when we go to score, you get me?” Philosophy student Pieman continued “Interpersonal moral conflicts present us with a unique opportunity to challenge internalised assumptions of ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ and indeed to question the very concept of a universality of ethics. Also, I can’t get out of the house without a massive hit on the bong in the mornings, so this shit just won’t play”. The Ox was not available for comment.

Dean however, made a spirited defence in which he implicated said large flightless poultry as the cause of the problem. “I didn’t smoke that herb man I wasn’t even here,” he told our reporters. “Wait, when was it? Right, I was here, but I didn’t do it. It could have been any number of things. It could have been, like mice. Or another animal. A big cockroach. A giant fucken chicken. Anything”.

Investigating officer Detective Inspector Comedic Device told us: “This isn’t the first time that Prinks have come up with what they think is a funny headline and then written a tissue-thin article just so they can publish a ridiculous headline like ‘Giant Fucken Chicken’. They’re just showing off”.